Strong Enough To Break

I don't feel myself today 

 Just a figure in a big monopoly game

  Struggle is the price you pay 

 You get just enough just to give it away 

 I'm sinking but I'm floating away 

 Throw me a line so I can anchor my pain

  The fabric is about to fray 

...

Have you ever had a moment when EVERYTHING starts to make sense, and scare the tar out of you at the same time?  That moment when the planets align and you feel peace, but the peace you feel ends up being pure nostalgia?

I went to a concert alone a few weeks ago.  I didn't know anyone there, but I think it was better that way.  I'd been to the venue before, but it had been 8 years.   I really enjoyed the almost 2 hour drive there, I really needed some alone time to think things through.

I got a great spot, 6 feet from the stage.  I hate those people who just push and shove their way up to the front - really, we're adults - act like it.  Besides, it's better to be a few feet back so you can see everyone and everything. 

And then the music takes over.  I really needed an outlet, and honestly I haven't had one for a while.  I don't do clubs or bars - it's not me and it never will be.  But a concert, when there is true passion behind the music, and the music is good, that is my refuge.  

I worked at a radio station for a few years in and just out of college.  We had a concert almost every month.  That's probably why my daughter is so musically charged, she was surrounded by it in the womb.

But this night, hearing songs that I listen to frequently live and in my face, something clicked.  And then I hear it - 'Strong Enough To Break'.  And everything made sense.  

I've ALWAYS been beat up, knocked down, abused, humiliated, taken advantage of.  I've let it happen since childhood - heck I let it happen that night by letting people push in in front of me.  I recognize that I do this, but I don't know how to not.  It's something that I'd just accepted.  But hearing that song that night... it hit me.  Over 20 years of mental abuse, some of it my own.  I'm broken and have been knocked down, and I let it happen.  But I always got back up; that's got to count for something, right?

I'm human, I'll make mistakes.  I'm trying to grow, but walking down unfamiliar paths.  I feel like I'm doing it all alone, even though there are so many people around me... I'm letting go of those who maybe haven't given me the support that I need.  


Have you taken a look at yourself lately?  Because I am right now, and I don't know who I see right now.  


So thank you to Isaac, Taylor and Zac Hanson for giving me a great night; helping me let go of all the stress in my life, if only for a few hours.  You're music has always brought me great joys, and I'm thankful you do what you do.